Monday, February 14, 2005

Making the First Move

This being Valentine's Day, I didn't much want to write or think about anything very serious. Then I came across this classic Dave Barry column from 1999 about the travails of dating and the stress men suffer from having to make the first move. Here's most of it:

So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about - Surprise! - men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.

One woman said: ''This guy comes up to me and says, 'Are you a teacher?' I mean, is that supposed to be romantic?''

All three women rolled all six of their eyes.

Another one of them said: ''This guy says to me, 'I've been looking at you all night!' So I go, 'Hel-LO, we just GOT here.'''

At this point all three women - and I want to stress that these are intelligent, nice women - were laughing. Not me. I was feeling bad for the guys.

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

So I grant that it is not easy being a female. But I contend that nature has given males the heaviest burden of all: the burden of always having to Make the First Move, and thereby risk getting Shot Down. I don't know WHY males get stuck with this burden, but it's true throughout the animal kingdom. If you watch the nature shows on the Discovery Channel, you'll note that whatever species they are talking about - birds, crabs, spiders, clams - it is ALWAYS the male who has to take the initiative. It's always the male bird who does the courting dance, making a total moron of himself, while the female bird just stands there, looking aloof, thinking about what she's going to tell her girlfriends. (''And then he hopped around on one foot! Like I'm supposed to be impressed by THAT!''). ...

That is the awesome power that you women have over us men. I hope you understand this, and the next time a guy walks up and uses some incredibly lame, boneheaded line on you, I hope that, instead of laughing at him, you will remember that he is under the intense pressure of wanting to impress you enough so that you might want to get to know him better and maybe eventually, perhaps within the next 15 minutes, mate with him, thereby enabling the survival of the human race, which believe me is the only thing that we males are truly concerned about.

4 Comments:

Blogger Junebugg said...

PUNANY POWER Yes, there is a God. It's one of the few perks of being a lowly female. Actually, I love being a woman. I get to do anything I want without someone making assumptions about my sexual preference.

11:25 PM, February 14, 2005  
Blogger bopperholly said...

That is so true! And I will admit it, I love that part of being a girl. But let me tell you, we will occasionally surprise you!

11:01 AM, February 15, 2005  
Blogger John Norton said...

Man, ain't that the truth. I've gotten used to it though. Which I guess is really kind of sad.

Anyway, Dave Barry rules.

11:32 AM, February 15, 2005  
Blogger Tom Carter said...

bopperholly: You will surprise us occasionally? Occasionally? I've spent most of my life trying to figure out what women want, and I'm almost always wrong. But I love all of you anyway! Happy Valentine's Day!

2:39 PM, February 15, 2005  

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